Disclaimer: This is a really long rant about some really stressful events, read at your own risk.
HOLY COW! Whenever I go out with the kids I inevitably get the comment, "Wow! You've got your hands full." I generally just laugh because I don't really think I do have my hands full...most of the time. I think where the hands full comes into play is when I am trying to do something and while doing it neglecting my kids. If I am being a good, attentive mom, my hands remain pretty free.
For instance, yesterday I was had the missionaries over for dinner. I let the kids play outside while I was working on it and they each trickled in one by one later on. Jonas was the last and when I opened the door for him he was covered with dirt...we're talking head to toe! I of course, had 4 other things going on including rolling out breadsticks, breading chicken, making spaghetti sauce, and trying to clean the living room and kitchen. "Aaaahhh! I don't have time for this!" I thought to myself, but you do what you have to do, right. So he stripped in the bathroom and waited for the water to heat up (which takes way too long in this house) and then I came back and cleaned him up. No big deal...
Today, unfortunately, I have been busy again. I am moving in 2 days, remember? I shooed the kids out of my room and asked them to watch their favorite show while I worked on packing. They were into everything while they were in here with me, so in order to get it done I felt I needed to be alone...well, apparently the TV wasn't working so they found a pair of scissors that I (stupidly) had moved out of their reach in my room to the kitchen. Well, when I came in to see how they were doing...not more than 10 minutes had gone by I immediately saw my mistake as my craft stuff was strewn about the kitchen floor. I sent them all into their room to clean up the mess. As I'm picking up ribbon I see...a chunk of hair! "Whose hair got cut?" I yell. They respond, "Jonas." You know the next question, "Who cut it?" "Bryant."
I am embarrassed to tell you that I lost control at that point and went pretty ballistic! I yelled and screamed, I spanked, I slammed the door! I was really mad. I escaped into my room and cried about my failure as a mother and looked for something to inspire me for how to correct the evil I had just displayed to my children. I started reading the First Presidency message for the February Ensign which is titled, "Feeding His Lambs" by President Eyring. It was really good, I'm sure I wasn't reading it in the way he intended, but I got my own message out of it. So I calmed down, I prayed for forgiveness and help to deal with the situation and headed to the boys' room. Bryant said to me, "I was thinking mom, that you don't love me anymore." What's a mom to say to that? Of course, I love him, I just wish that he'd make better choices! While I was talking to them I saw that Bryant's brand new shirt that he got for Christmas was cut as well. Jonas' was too. Now, Ethan and I recently read a book that we loved and one of the messages I took from it was, if its a problem that can be fixed with money, its not a problem. So shirts are not the problem-its the defiance that I have a problem with(although I was really bummed about the shirts I was planning on getting the kids photos taken in them for their birthdays). I was able, through the help of my prayer, to keep my cool. I threw both shirts in the garbage and Bryant had to call his grandma and tell her what he'd done to his gift from her. By the way, the hair cuts, (I guess Levi's got cut too-at first I found one chunk, I've since found 3 more) luckily, aren't noticeable at all.
Now, Bryant is still in his room. He's no longer crying, he is complaining that its boring. First, he cried and cried, "I'm going to starve to death because you won't let me out." Don't worry, I let him eat lunch. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him, he's never been so naughty and destructive. Which is even worse now because he's teaching both his little brothers. I told him he had to stay in his room today so he could think about his choices and do better next time. He asked why he couldn't come out and I said, "I don't trust you yet and you have to suffer the consequences of your choices."
So there you have it, my hands are full! I need therapy...as will my kids. Wish me luck, because as much as I'd like to right now, I can not run away!
13 comments:
I had no idea that you were leaving so soon! It feels like you just got here. I wish we could have seen you more! I am glad that we at least got to spend Thanksgiving together. Good luck to yall and be sure to keep in touch!
Hi Kim,
this is Laurie, an old Woodbury neighbor. I saw a link to your blog from Justin Rammell's (my cousin) and clicked and checked out your cute family. I don't comment a lot on people's blogs, but I had to on yours because pretty much the same thing happened to me yesterday. Okay not the same thing, the circumstances were a little different. I also have three little boys, the oldest one just turned five, a two year old and a four month old. Anyway, yesterday while I was making lunch and trying to clean the pantry, rearrange every closet and so some last minute church stuff, I hear the piano being banged on, HARD. I ran in to see what was going on and both boys were STANDING ON THE KEYS, DANCING. (we have major rules about when they are allowed to touch my piano by the way). I was really really really really mad and Zack (the five year old) started to sob. I ask him what is wrong and he says, I just don't think you love me anymore! Ouch! Talk about a knife through your heart! Sorry this is so rambling, but I was so glad to see that i am not the only mom who once in a while is on the verge of losing her mind! (and then the rest of the time having so much fun with the boys!)
p.s. if you would like to check out my blog, send me an email at mattandlaurie@gmail.com and I will send you an invite.
I don't know how many times I've yelled "I just want to run away to the circus!" One time Alyssa believed me and begged me not to go.
There's been a few times that I've lost it, and I felt so bad afterward. I shouldn't admit this, but one time Alyssa looked at me so defiantly that I slapped her (not very hard though). She was crying, I was crying. It was not a fun time. But the good thing is, our kids are very forgiving and they love us anyway.
It's nice to know that we all face similar struggles and feelings as moms. After years of taking care of other people's children, I thought I would be a pro by the time I had my own- but I'm far from it! I find myself getting mad about the silliest things and I'm so embarrassed by the way I react sometimes-- I know I need to learn to treat my children with more love, kindness and patience and they keep giving me opportunities, so I'm hoping I get it right sometime! That's a big bummer about your crafty things and the shirts and hair- hopefully one day you'll be able to look back and laugh about it. Where do they get all of that energy? Good luck with your move, where are you headed next?
Like Camille said, we all have those days, but that being said, it doesn't make it any easier at the moment our little ones are being stinkers! Where is your next rotation? Is the whole fam making the trek this time? I'm glad to be moving but not looking forward to the "move". Good luck with everything, I'm excited to see everyone for graduation!
I wish someone knocked a dollar off our student loans every time I lost my temper...I might them almost paid off by now :) I just got done reading "I am a Mother," so I've been evaluating myself as a mother. I wish I was more patient and listened to the spirit more when I deal with my kids. I was a really good mom until Paul turned 18 months or I was pregnant with Sam (I'm not sure what the trigger was?) Motherhood brings out the best and the worst in us. We're not perfect, but hang in there! I think you're doing a great job! And if it makes you feel any better, my mom freaked out all the time and we still turned out ok. :)
Oh, Kim...you're a good woman (and mother!), I would not have been as good as you with the situation! I would've ended up having my brother who works for DCFS come and take my children away!!! I'm so glad to hear about how you handled it, though, because I will remember your example the next time I am confronted with anger!!!
p.s. I am thinking about you guys today and wanting to call you to see how the move is going, but I don't want to interrupt you if you are super busy!!! I hope it goes well!!!
Oh MAN, what a day!
It's funny you had this experience (well, you know, not FUNNY...) because it seems I've had a hard time lately with my temper as well. But I really worry about it rubbing off onto my kids-- I think it's really important for them to know how to handle difficult situations rationally. I feel like with Dallin I'm not doing a very good job lately. I've learned though, that it's very important to apologize to the kids when I've done something I'm not proud of. And hopefully I'll get a little more patient day by day (I'm working on it!) so that they can do as I DO too, and not just as I SAY!
But I'm with Terra, I remember my mom losing it when we were kids (there were EIGHT of us after all!) and I think we all survived and are raising good families anyway, because she was a good example for us as well in plenty of ways!
YUP. You are normal. Our kids survive, thrive and stay alive in spite of our worst and best efforts. Love, Jane
Kim,
I think that you are a fantastic mom. Under the conditions (being pregnant, trying to pack and move) I think that the explosion was bound to happen, but you disciplined and then showed forth with a lot more love and understanding. As you know I lost my temper and in my opinion you and your brothers turned out great. I am very proud of all of you. You are a wonderful mother. Love Grandma Hoss
always good to hear that we all have our moments, not just me. hope things calm down after the move. and hope you're close enough to utah to pop down for a girl's night soon!
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